1. “Girl on Top”
He’ll love being able to see your face and watch your bits jiggle.
2. The “Screwdriver”
While on top twirl your hips, like a screwdriver.
3. “Backwards Cowgirl”
He’ll definitely enjoy this view! And you’ll love awkwardly trying to move up and down while grasping at his bony, hairy shins.
4. “Backwards Upside-Down Cowgirl”
OK, this is where things can get kind of tricky. Hold on to his mouth for stability. Your goal is to get the very tip of his penis slightly in your ear (the tip of the peen is very sensitive).
5. The “Dallas Cowgirl”
Leave him mid-sex to pursue your longtime secret dream of becoming a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys. Tell him you’re going out for cigarettes and will be right back. (Men love when you act mysterious.)
6. “Third-String Wide Receiver for the Dallas Cowboys”
Decide you enjoy playing football as much as cheering. Become the first-ever female player in the NFL. Make sure to text your man regularly throughout this process but always forget to call when you say you will.
7. “Second-String Wide Receiver for the Dallas Cowboys”
Work your way up to the position of second string. Stop texting, but tell him when you rub your nose on TV that means you might be thinking of him — confuse him by kind of rubbing your nose and your cheek at the same time so he doesn’t know which one you’re rubbing. Remember, the tip of the peen is very sensitive.
8. “First-String Wide Receiver for the Dallas Cowboys”
Eventually become first-string wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys. Now this part will really drive him crazy: Ignore all his phone calls and texts, tell him the only way you’ll communicate is by messenger pigeon, refuse any other kind of contact.
9. “Owner and CEO of Dallas Cowboys”
Use your money from past smart investments and sports-drink endorsement deals to buy the Dallas Cowboys and appoint yourself to the position of CEO.
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