Sometimes you are grateful for a Jason Bourne, because there are things that drunk you did that you don’t want to relive. But often this blissful ignorance is ruined by annoying people taking pictures of you snogging your ex and then reminding you of your deep, meaningful chat with the kebab shop guy.
You haven’t done something properly drunk and stupid until you’ve had a shame wave, and before you had one you didn’t actually know that embarrassment was a physical feeling. Shame waves often come after work parties and regrettable sexual endeavours.
Much like a shame wave, but less funny and more sad. Instead of loudly moaning about how much of an idiot you are, you’re more likely to be found lightly sobbing at the thought of what a tremendous buffoon you’ve become.
Often experienced when you have a mild hangover, but then you have to go to work, or do something awful like help your mum move a sofa.
The most physical of hangovers, as bad as flu and food poisoning in one, but without any sympathy from your mum. Rarely happens, as once you’ve had one, you know to avoid it – until it becomes a distant memory, you lose control, and drink three bottles of wine at your sister’s wedding.
When in the grip of a true waste disposal you will laugh at the suggestion that 20 chicken nuggets could possibly be considered a sharebox. You will feel alright, and have a nice time stuffing your face, until the next day when you realise you’ve eaten your week’s worth of calories in one sitting.
You think you’ve got away with it, you’ve avoided the hangover, probably because you ate that nutritious kebab last night. You wake up every other hungover person in the house, and you can’t quite understand why they’re not having as much fun as you.
And then it hits you. Just as everyone else is perking up, you start feeling very sorry for yourself. This isn’t how it’s meant to be, but it is. Especially terrible if you thought you’d got away with it and left the house to do something “fun”.
Often experienced the day after a think-you-might-die. You were so looking forward to this morning when you’d finally feel like you again, and then you didn’t. But you know you deserve this: You did a bad thing and drank way, way too much and this is the price you have to pay. But anyone who thinks you’re going to be making pleasant conversation today can do one.
You’re hungover enough so that you’re not bored out of your mind by watching reruns of Masterchef all day, but not so hungover you have to make any sudden dashes to the toilet. You had a great time last night, and you don’t have anything to do today. These are the most blissful of hangovers.
The rarest of hangovers. You might have had them a lot in your youth, but nowadays you’re convinced these are actually mythical.
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