1. You are perfectly capable of dragging yourself out of bed in the morning and getting on with your day – without a cup of liquid to help.
2. And you find it hard to imagine what it must be like to rely on coffee like so many other people do.
Coffee is to coffee drinkers what petrol is to cars – they break down if they don’t have enough.
3. A cup of coffee is in no way a legitimate breakfast.
Breakfast is supposed to be food, and there are so many incredible options it seems criminal to neglect it. Anyone who thinks coffee on its own is an acceptable breakfast needs to go and sit in a bin for a while and think about what they’ve done.
5. Coffee menus mean literally nothing to you.
What the fuck is the difference between a piccolo latte and a latte? What even is a latte? And why do you need to specify flat white? Is there a fizzy white too?
6. And nor do the fucking ridiculous sizes in Starbucks.
Tall means small and grande is medium? Yeah right OK then.
7. Talking of Starbucks, to you it is just a pointless place for buying overpriced food.
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8. And you definitely cannot understand the obsession with pumpkin spice lattes.
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10. Or on alcohol – because if you’re paying that much money for a drink then it should 100% be getting you wasted.
You can buy a whole bottle of cheap wine for the same price as a Starbucks coffee. It’ll be horrible, but it’ll get you drunk.
11. You’ve experienced that awkward moment when someone suggests you go for coffee, and you have to explain that it’s not your thing.
12. And you’ve got very used to people acting completely shocked when you tell them you don’t drink it.
13. After the initial mind-blowing, they will then inevitably ask: “How do you even function?”
And you’ll just kind of shrug and feel slightly smug.
14. “Coffee jitters” are something you will never have to experience.
#50HourSlam suppressing caffeine jitters #you shall edit
— Peregrinari Films (@PeregrinariFilm)
Why would you drink something that makes you physically shake?
15. That smell that everyone loves, you probably just think is odd and stale.
You are right, everyone else is deluded.
16. And it’s even worse when it’s coming off someone’s breath.
Never kiss a coffee drinker.
17. So whether it’s because you can’t stand the taste.
18. Or just don’t drink it as a lifestyle choice.
Cortesía de: BuzzFeedFollow @DifusionLibre1