Hello. We are Kristin and Leo, and sometimes we like to talk about fashion. Today, we’re talking about everyone’s favorite stretchy pants merchant, American Apparel.
A few thoughts on American Apparel before we begin:
Kristin: Poor American Apparel. I feel like the only thing that could help them at this point would be if the government decided to bail them out by awarding them the contract for some sort of massive ’80s-themed workout video for the military.
Leo: Ahh, American Apparel. Once a hipster mecca, now, a den of pseudo-cool-kid confusion. I feel like going in there means asking yourself, “Do I want to dress like a Williamsburg trust-funder trying to get his EDM-design collective off the ground? Or do I want to look like Grandpa Joe?”
1. Shiny Velvet Long Sleeve Onesie, $ 68
Leo: Oh hey, I wore this to my second-grade gymnastics class. I was really good at the one where you hang onto a ring, and then you just hang there.
Kristin: I’m not a historian, but I think this is what people in the ’60s thought important world leaders in the ’90s would dress like.
2. Unisex Cotton Denim Overall, $ 120
Leo: Wow these sure are ugly.
Kristin: Remember that Greek myth about the sirens who would sing and make the sailors crash their boats into the rocks? This outfit is like that, except these overalls are like the boat, and the sirens on the rocks are spaghetti sauce.
3. Hologram Leather Mini Skirt, $ 160
Leo: This skirt is from the future. OBVIOUSLY. OMG do you remember in the ’90s when holograms were so in?
Kristin: Yeah, this is what I was planning on wearing to my 1997 nuptials to Devon Sawa.
4. Color Block Oversized Button Up, $ 29
Kristin: This is what you’d wear in a Weekend at Bernie’s remake where Bernie is played by Dov Charney.
Leo: Alternate theory: Uniforms for the court jesters in Dov Charney’s sex palace.
5. Nylon Tricot Micro-Mesh Gloria-V Bodysuit, $ 44
Kristin: HIGHWAAAAAAY TO THE VAGINA ZOOOOOONE.
Leo: Or a glimpse of the valley of the shadow of mesh.
Kristin: I got it, it’s an inverse banana hammock!
6. Velvet Cycle Short, $ 15
Leo: SoulCycle meets Elton John’s wardrobe.
Kristin: I mean, I get it: Old-timey magicians need bike shorts too.
7. Vegan Leather Kool Short, $ 52
Kristin: Don’t you hate it when you just want to play soccer, but all your shorts are made of trash bags?
Leo: It’s mathematically proven that when you spell cool with a K, you increase something’s coolness one million-fold.
Kristin: And increase sales.
Leo: Please stay tuned for our forthcoming book release: Leo and Kristin Do Business. We are on the cover wearing oversize suits, shrugging.
8. Shiny Ombre Le Sport Top, $ 38
Leo: “Provides full support.” Yeah right. For what? One nipple?
Kristin: I feel like this is what every middle school principal is afraid kids will wear to school if there is no dress code. Just 3D glowing butts all day.
Leo: I mean. This is what I wore every day of eighth grade so I don’t know what you’re talking about.
9. Leopard Printed Spandex Jersey Harem Pant, $ 42
Leo: These pants would be great if you had, like, the hugest dick in the world.
Kristin: Is that why guys wear pants like that?
Leo: Huh. I think we may have stumbled upon something.
Kristin: We may have solved a mystery!
Leo: But otherwise, if you’re a girl, you can hide other things in there like cantaloups and bowling balls.
Kristin: Yeah, good place to put your purse.
Leo: RIght next to your vagina. For safe keeping.
10. Waffle Mesh Cardigan, $ 62
Kristin: I didn’t know they were making a DJ Batman movie.
Leo: Yeah, this dude’s name is DJ Gym Time.
Kristin: I’d also like to point out that the holes in this cardigan render it useless.
Leo: It’s a sartorial oxymoron.
Kristin: It’s a cardigan for people who can’t commit to cardigans. LIKE DJ BATMAN.
11. Shiny Halter Bodysuit, $ 30
Leo: Perfect for my sexy Tin Man costume I’m planning this Halloween.
Kristin: I’d like to call shenanigans on the fact that this claims to have “full back coverage.”
Leo: Yeah but there is a utilitarian aspect. Like, if you get stranded in the woods, you could put this up high, and people would rescue you!
Kristin: “Please send help: I seem to have gotten trapped in some sort of giant metallic headband.”
12. U.S. Flag Print Cotton Spandex Jersey Legging, $ 32
Kristin: ♬ Oh beautiful for spacious butts and amber waves of legs. ♬
Leo: I get a bad feeling from these. Mainly because they’re ugly. But also, it’s like a representation of a nation divided.
Kristin: I literally do not understand what you are talking about.
Leo: Then you’re un-American.
13. Leather Phone Sling, $ 36
Leo: This is what the Old West has come to. Accoutrement for your Instagram duel to the death.
Kristin: This is a Baby Bjorn for a phone, and I would like eight of them, please, for my current phone, and the next seven subsequent phones I will also lose.
14. Woven Jelly Sandal, $ 45
Leo: I AM ready for these jellies. I could get into an adult jelly revival. Only thing about jellies is they make your feet smell real bad.
Kristin: I have athlete’s foot just looking at these.
Leo: On the plus side, they are waterproof.
Kristin: It’s a wonder we didn’t smell worse in 1997.
15. Girly Lace Ankle Sock, $ 12
Leo: You shouldn’t be allowed to wear these past the age of 4.
Kristin: I mean, what else are you going to wear with the jellies.
Leo: Good point.
16. Nathalie Du Pasquier Black Winie Print Sateen Kool Short, $ 58
Kristin: Meanwhile, at A-ha’s pool party.
Leo: Dammit. This totally destroys my business plan to turn all my old Mead composition notebooks into a menswear line.
Kristin: Plus, this guy’s crotch just gets terrible TV reception.
Leo: Huh? I would just be really impressed if he had a TV in his pants.
17. Opaque Limited Print Pantyhose, $ 13
Kristin: “Hi, I need a pair of tights that will effectively discourage anyone from trying to learn the English language, please!”
Leo: I would wear these and be like, “THAT’S RIGHT, I’M A WRITER. I’M SO WRITERY THAT I GOT THE HOSE TO PROVE IT. Now go buy one million of my books.”
18. Nathalie Du Pasquier Unisex Zeta Mix Print Le New Big Pocket T-Shirt, $ 38
Leo: This is the intro to Saved by the Bell in T-shirt form. Which means that it might be brilliant?
Kristin: Well, or it’s what the devil is wearing in graphic designer hell.
19. Plaid Short Sleeve Button Down With Pocket, $ 34
Kristin: What kind of horrible monster would put a pocket on like that?
Leo: Maybe this was just an accident and then they were like, “Well I guess we gotta do ‘em all like this.”
Kristin: Maybe, but counterpoint: Send this shirt back to hell where it belongs.
20. Sheer Luxe Grid Pantyhose, $ 13
Kristin: I’m going to be a sexy Excel spreadsheet for Halloween.
Leo: Really?? I like these! I’m into a grid print. Plus, I value organization. Excel gets a bad rap.
21. Shiny Velvet Keyhole Dress, $ 68
Leo: Romy and Michele would definitely wear this. As would people in outer space. And all the aliens.
Kristin: I like that it comes with a hole in the front so that you can escape, if necessary.
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