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1. A vinyl sticker of a geoduck, which is an actual living bivalve and Mother Nature’s sick joke.
Get it from Rosieferne on Etsy for $ 6.
2. A mug you’ll hide in a dark corner until you accidentally come across it like Jumanji and it turns your entire world into a cruel, uncomfortable game.
“What if someone digs it up?”
“May God have mercy on his soul.”
Get it from Foolish Human Society on Etsy for $ 12.
3. Leggings that need to be stopped.
Get them on Amazon for $ 9.98. Also available in 25 designs that don’t emphasize the location of female holes.
4. This…thumb. drive.
“Isn’t this THUMB DRIVE a riot?” —someone who wants to make your skin into a lampshade
Get it on Amazon for $ 4.49.
5. Stress mushrooms that you jerk off ‘til you feel better…which, like, at this point, just go somewhere and jerk off the real thing? You’re making everyone so uncomfortable.
Get them from Firebox ($ 9.09) or Amazon ($ 9.72).
6. Three pounds and 26 inches of gummy worm.
Promising review: “I purchased this to smack my coworkers in the face with. It got real awkward in the HR office when I had to take a bite of what they assumed was a German sex toy to prove I didn’t bring something inappropriate into the office.” —DW
Get it on Amazon for $ 27.95. Also available in sour green, cherry, and blue raspberry.
7. This emoji mask, which is 100% the last thing I will see before I’m murdered.
Get it on Amazon for $ 7.95+. Also available in and .
8. This strapping beefcake half-torso husband pillow with a 24/7 erect button-nipple feature.
Sorry, was THIS torso pillow not SEXY ENOUGH for you? Well congratulations, you animal, this exists.
Get it on Amazon for $ 18.28.
9. A peel-and-stick wall decal of a senior with asthma.
Promising review: “She keeps me company in my apartment. We have so much in common like our love for breathing and other things.” —Wes
Get it on Amazon for $ 25.09+. Available in sizes up to 4 feet tall.
10. These “hand soaps” that are keeping me up at night.
Get a set of eight from imaginaryanimal on Etsy for $ 16.
11. This “St. Patrick’s Day” cookie cutter that’s a “rainbow” with a “cloud” and “pot of gold.”
Promising review: “I was so excited to make cookies for the annual Saint Patrick’s Day party at my son’s school. I stayed up the night before making over 100 pot o’ gold cookies. The cookie cutter is of exceptional quality and it is such a fun shape…no more boring heart-shaped cookies for me! The trouble began, though, when I ran out of food coloring. I had to use dark pink icing on the entire batch of cookies. I may update this review later and let you all know how the disciplinary hearing with the school board goes.” —nkuster
Get it on Amazon for $ 14.79.
12. Hand sanitizer that makes you think when you’d really rather not.
Get it on Amazon for $ 6.29.
13. This nightmare rabbit doll that, from the side, looks as if he sheared the face off another rabbit doll and attached it to his own.
Get it from AlenaArtDolls on Etsy for $ 75.
14. This spread-eagle clown broach that needs to just stay in whatever vintage era it was made in.
Get it from La Vie Hippie on Etsy for $ 12.
15. DLAKJSDNX ;lsdn lx;kNF
Get them from TheMintBeadery on Etsy for $ 2.95 for 12.
16. An eyeshadow named Nic Cage Raking Leaves on a Brisk October Afternoon.
It’s actually a really beautiful color and it makes me upset.
Get it from Shiro Cosmetics ($ 6.50) or Amazon ($ 6.50).
17. A shirt that has ruined the Minions for everyone.
Get it from The Ugly T-Shirts for $ 25. Available in 15 colors, sizes XS-3XL.
18. A phone case with a lifelike silicone fried chicken drumstick glued to the back of it.
“Realistic size and color.” —Product description
Get it from Amazon for $ 19.99. Available for iPhone 6 and 6S.
19. “The Filthy Mermaid,” a monthly subscription box delivered to people that like the thought of being — or penetrating — a fish.
Subscriptions for “a variety of sexy sea-inspired accessories, bewitching beauty products, and playful pleasures” start at $ 19.99+/month.
20. This human rectum plushy.
Get it from I Heart Guts ($ 20) or Amazon ($ 21.99). Available in a myriad of parts/organs.
21. Faux-denim pajama pants…y tho.
Get them on Amazon for $ 9.99-$ 24.99. Available in size S-L.
22. This “half-portion” wine glass that’s really doing a number on my anxiety.
Get it on Amazon for $ 14.94.
23. A terrifying mobile that gives a baby the impression that a mommy will eat his sisters one by one.
Get it on Amazon for $ 36.
24. A hand-crocheted “frozen nose hat” shaped like a chicken.
Get it from auntmartymadeit on Etsy for $ 15.84. Available in 31 other designs, including silly skunk and candy corn.
25. Pillow shams that are areolas, I don’t care what you say.
Get them from Urban Outfitters for $ 39/pair. Also available in blue.
26. Anything Charmin. Like, can I just once watch a television show and not have it interrupted by cartoon bears talking about how grody and chapped their doodyholes are? Cool.
Get 48 “strong” “giant” rolls on Amazon for $ 24.99. Also available in not as strong or giant.
27. A full pound of just. yellow. Starburst.
WHAT. KIND. OF MONSTER.
Get it on Amazon for $ 8.26.
28. And this plushy of a blobfish, the official mascot of the Ugly Animal Preservation Society.
“A cuddly reminder that things could always be worse.” —Product description
Get it from Firebox for $ 26.
BACK TO PUPPIES.
The reviews for this post have been edited for length and clarity.
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