1. “As if that wasn’t strange enough…”
“On a camping trip my son pretended a tree branch was his girlfriend. As if that wasn’t strange enough, he later ran up to me while I was talking to a stranger and announced, ‘I have to go bury my girlfriend now.’”
2. “She takes it into the bathtub with her.”
“For the last year and a half my three-year-old daughter has been playing with a plastic bloody severed foot. She takes it into the bathtub with her and pushes it around in her doll stroller.”
3. “I then noticed my son sitting at a table, looking sad…”
“I was picking up my son from kindergarten when I noticed that all of the kids leaving his class had mustaches drawn on their faces. I then noticed my son sitting at a table, looking sad, with a huge handlebar mustache drawn on his face. Turns out he’d gotten in trouble for starting ‘the mustache club’ and drawing mustaches on his classmates with a marker (some by force).”
—Kyli Jo Crawford
4. Worms, worms, worms.
“My three-year-old son began crying inconsolably upon learning that worms don’t have brains like humans, and thus couldn’t ‘really be his friends.’”
“I walked in on my son threatening his spaghetti and saying he was gonna kill it.”
6. “I never figured out his thought process behind that…”
“My son opened my underwear drawer and poured chocolate syrup all over everything inside. I never figured out his thought process behind that — he even shut the drawer and put the syrup back in the fridge.”
—Noelle Robbins Gongwer
7. Hands and feet.
“My daughter has given each of her hands a name, and on long car rides she plays with them even if toys are present. They talk to each other and play games with each other. She’s recently brought her feet into the game as well.”
8. “She spent the next two months…”
“When my oldest was four she had dark peach fuzz on the tops of her ears and back. One day I told her how hairy she was, being silly. She then decided she was a werewolf and spent the next two months running around barking and howling at the moon.”
9. “He was rubbing it all over his face and body.”
“I’d put my one-and-a-half-year-old son on the counter next to a brand new Costco-sized margarine tub as I prepped some toast. I turned around for a second to look for my butter knife, and when I looked back my son had put BOTH of his hands into the margarine and was rubbing it all over his face and body.”
—Camille La Bisbille Archambault-Bouliane
“When our youngest was about two she would go up behind my husband and sniff, as if he farted, and go, ‘Mmmmmmmm.’”
—DeAnna Martin Totman
11. For the dogs.
“My two-year-old likes to put his plate of food on the floor and eat it like our dog.”
12. “THAT LADY TOOK MY EYE!”
“I was in a bridal shop that had a short row of large mirrors, watching a friend try on a dress. My then three-year-old saw a sales lady go behind the row of mirrors and followed her. When I called for him, he reappeared with his hand over one eye, pretending to stagger, and yelling, ‘MY EYE! THAT LADY TOOK MY EYE!’ I was mortified. P.S His eye was fine.”
13. “Her real parents were in the mountains.”
“My now five-year-old used to tell us that we weren’t her real parents — her real parents were in the mountains, but bad people stole her. She would tell us how she missed them and ask if we could take her back.”
14. Fun, fun, fun.
“My four-year-old asked if we could play that we’re folding laundry at the beach.”
—Robin Arnesen Dahlgren
“My four-year-old son recently started having an imaginary friend, Steve. Steve constantly needs his hand held when we go to the store or cross the road. This, of course, just looks like my son with his arm out.
One day a person ‘ran into’ Steve and ‘hurt’ him so badly that my son had a breakdown in the middle of an aisle. He was still screaming to get Steve a doctor by calling 911 while I was taking him out of the store.”
16. Breakfast of…champions?
“My three-year-old loves ketchup. She will eat pancakes with ketchup instead of syrup.”
“When my daughter was three she told Santa her name was ‘Tyrone.’ After some weird looks from Santa and his helpers I explained that she was a big fan of The Backyardigans and that her real name is ‘Libby.’”
“My three-year-old daughter loves to walk around pretending she’s a zombie — in public. She groans with her arms completely stretched out and her head tilted to the side.”
19. “Then blew it in my face.”
“My five-year-old son recently cupped his palm, farted in his hand, smiled at me, and then blew it in my face like a kiss.”
20. “My nephew suddenly had gum.”
“My nephew suddenly had chewing gum at a restaurant, so I asked him where the hell he got it from. He said, ‘Oh, from under the table.’”
21. Um, uh, well…
“My kid pulled his pants down and pooped on the floor at the grocery store while I was paying.”
22. Twerk it.
“Our six-year-old son can’t stop twerking.”
—Araceli G Martinez
23. How weird?
“I was washing dishes when my five-year-old daughter walked in and said, ‘Guess how weird it is to ride a Time Pony?’ I said, ‘I don’t know. Pretty weird?’ She answered, ‘No. Just 1% weird.’ And walked away.”
—Angie Clifton Marshall
24. “No, mommy, a HEARSE!”
“My three-year-old: ‘Mommy, I want to ride a hearse.’
Me: ‘You mean a horse, baby?’
Three-year-old: ‘No, mommy, a HEARSE! You know, the big black spooky ones!’”
25. “He insisted his poop was clean.”
“My four-year-old pooped in his bath. When I explained he would now need a shower while I cleaned the bath, he insisted his poop was clean because it was in the bath.”
“My son has an imaginary friend named Owen, but all they do is fight. My son throws toys around the playroom and screams at Owen to stop and go away. It’s really creepy.”
27. “What bean?!”
“My four-year-old son put a dry bean in his ear at preschool. (They were making a craft with them.) He thought he was going to get in trouble once he realized it was stuck, so he didn’t tell anyone. A month after school was over he sneezed and said the bean was hurting his ear. I said, ‘What bean?!’ One pediatrician visit and a referral to an ear, nose, and throat doctor later, the bean was safely removed. My child lived with a bean in his ear, at best guess, for two and a half months.”
28. Licking leaves.
“I was raking leaves in the yard when my four-year-old son started to pick up individual leaves and lick them. He’d say, ‘This leaf came from Egypt!’ then lick another leaf and proclaim, ‘This one’s from Oregon!”
29. “…for absolutely no reason…”
“We were visiting my mother-in-law in the hospital and went to grab a bite to eat in the hospital cafeteria. My three-year-son, for absolutely no reason, suddenly stopped eating, looked up at a nurse walking by, and ran his finger across his throat (the off with your head motion). He then smiled and went back to eating like nothing had happened.”
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