I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

1. For everyone who doesn’t know, this is Ben “Macklemore” Haggerty. 2. He has risen as hip-hop’s pre-eminent white rapper because Eminem’s raps still ...
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1. For everyone who doesn’t know, this is Ben “Macklemore” Haggerty.

For everyone who doesn't know, this is Ben "Macklemore" Haggerty.

2. He has risen as hip-hop’s pre-eminent white rapper because Eminem’s raps still target homosexuals and Iggy Azalea’s raps target Homo sapiens.

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

3. Anyway, Macklemore died for our sins and got the SCOTUS to legalize same-sex marriage.

4. He even apologized to Kendrick Lamar for stealing a Grammy from him.

A move that Drake, who be knowing, called “wack as fuck.”

5. So, needless to say…

6. But then, something troubling happened. I attended the VMAs and was fully prepared to skip Macklemore’s new single “Downtown”* to get drinks at the concession stand, when this happened:

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

*Remake of Kendrick Lamar’s “King Kunta.”

7. Macklemore was smiling and doing dance moves from Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo and DEAR GOD I ENJOYED IT.

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

8. Then the worst thing ever happened that night:

Is this a safe space to admit I had a sex dream about Macklemore last night

— Ira Madison III (@ira)

9. And I did not find support:

@ira No.

— Michael Curry (@mcurryfelidae07)

@ira prayin 4 u

— Krutika Mallikarjuna (@andnowtothemoon)

@ira No, it is not.

— Chris Geidner (@chrisgeidner)

@ira

— Matthew Zeitlin (@MattZeitlin)

13. My mentions were destroyed:

Reading my mentions

— Ira Madison III (@ira)

14. BUT I COULDN’T HELP IT. LOOK AT THIS GENTLY RESTING CHERUB.

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

15. LOOK HOW CUTE HIS DANCING IS.

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

16. LOOK AT HIM CRASHING RIGHT INTO MY HEART.

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

17. I think I’ve watched this video over 70 times in less than 48 hours.

18. I’ve begged Macklemore to release me from this hold, but he will not!

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

19. He just keeps grabbing his crotch…

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

20. And thrusting…

I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

21. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

22. 1-800-CHARTER won’t help.

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23. Writing to Scruff McGruff in Chicago, Illinois, 60652 won’t help.

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I Am Sexually Attracted To Macklemore And I Need Help

Cortesía de: BuzzFeed